Hi there! ....
This week If you haven’t read my blog this week, or don’t connect on Facebook, then you would have missed that we are off on a family trip to Turkey, Italy and Switzerland in about two months. We are very excited – the more we research what we will be doing and seeing the more exciting it becomes. We’ve been studying ancient Rome and this last week started reading about Turkey (once again the ancient aspects). With this trip in mind, we have been familiarising ourselves with our cameras and learning to take better photos – you may have seen some of our efforts on my blog. We still have a few things to buy (namely a warm jacket as Switzerland is very different than the Kimberley in Australia!) and a few things on our itinerary to sort out. We are hoping to maintain a blog while we travel so you can keep in touch with us as we travel (that blog went live this week).
Though that is a big part of what is going on in our life at the moment – other stuff happened this week too. Josh went to a community meeting and had a good taste of what it is to be involved in local government. Jess is involved with the committee that organises the biggest community event of the year (she is minutes secretary). Jess is also doing some extra work in the kitchen for me every day – helping me to eat healthily. Naomi had drama and netball, she has also squeezed in some sewing this week. Daniel is picking sandalwood seeds every day (and Naomi is cleaning them up). Daniel picked up learning about animated movie making again as well as spending some time on making a model plane. Add all that to our regular studies – we’ve had a good week!
Live life with your kids!
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Blah Blah Blah
Blah blah blah – is that what our children hear when we talk to them? Do they switch off and just stand there as if they were listening but you know they hear nothing! How frustrating. To be honest – how frustrating for the both of you!!
Frustrating for you because you’ve got something pretty important to say
Frustrating for them because they don’t get it
We could learn something if we just pause and consider why they switch off
(I don’t presume to know every reason a child turns off – but these four points are good starters!)
- They don’t see the relevancy of what you are saying (they see your reaction as about you, not about them)
- They’ve heard it all before (and it was irrelevant then too)
- You are angry (shutting down protects them – so they think)
- They are angry (you haven’t listened so why should they)
Let’s address anger first. I used to think that I didn’t get angry. I never kicked the wall in after all. Yes, I’d raise my voice, but not angrily! Then I did a little word study and came up with the following synonyms: annoyed, irritated, heated, indignant, exasperated, peeved, bad-tempered, snappy, cranky, tetchy, sharp, impatient, abrupt… the list could go on. The thing that struck me is that I get all those things and yet, they are at their base: anger. The degree of anger isn’t the issue – the fact is, I get angry.
Anger is all about me. When I’m angry it is because of something within me. We like to think it is the other person’s fault – they made me feel this way – but truth is the anger is our issue. Yes, there may well be something happening that is wrong but anger is always my issue. I cannot change the other person but I can change myself – or control myself. I cannot by the force of my emotions make my child behave or make better choices – but I can control my emotions, and help my child learn and grow themselves. Anger won’t help!
The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God
In the book, Good and Angry by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, they lay out that anger cannot fix the problem, but it can identify that there is a problem there. They list the five following reasons we get angry:
- Physical Pain
- Blocked Goals
- Violated Rights
- Unmet Expectations
Can you connect with any of those areas? I can connect with all five at different times. I know when my back hurts I am a lot less patient and I react in anger. When we are running late (my goal being to be punctual) I get angry. When I keep getting interrupted while in the bathroom – surely I deserve some peace and quiet!! When I feel like I’m the only one working around here or when I come home and things are a mess – I expected differently and I am disappointed (and react).
So when your child does something and you explode – or maybe just become annoyed, cross or frustrated (remember degrees don’t really count) you should step back and see why you are reacting that way and address the real issue not just the outworking of that issue. So often we simply address what we see but really there is a root cause of that – a heart issue. If we just address the top layer – the things that the kids do for example – like losing shoes, dawdling, forgetting tasks, teasing their brother etc then we will not help our children at heart level – we will only be conforming their behaviour (which is external).
It is because we don’t connect at heart level that the kids tune out. This is the issue of relevancy. While we are ranting about the shoes they don’t get what our problem is – they could after all go barefoot! (may be this is just a reaction from kids who grew up in the tropics, I don’t know, but they’ll have some good reason why losing their shoes is no big deal!!) While we rant about them dawdling they don’t get the point of rush, they’ll get there – chill mum!! While we rant about them forgetting what we told them, they are thinking if you’d just be quiet maybe I’d remember!! While we rant about teasing, they are rising up on the inside knowing that the other sibling started it first. When we ignore the cause, when we ignore the heart of our child, we just make our words irrelevant.
The key to getting our children to listen to our instruction is to come from the point that their heart – their responses, character, will, emotions, attitude, etc is their responsibility. While we rant and rave we act as if it is ours – but it isn’t – it is theirs, and we need to help them respond in accordance to God’s ways, to choose character, to determine their will in accordance to ‘what would Jesus do’, to keep their emotions and attitude where they honour God and respect others.
So when we find ourselves in a situation where we need to correct our child we need to take a deep breath and think this through before we get angry at them.
When we get angry we short change this process. We dump our issues onto our kids and/or we take their issues as our issues. How complicated!! The truth is that when things go wrong in our house we all need to take personal responsibility – responsibility for our heart (our attitude, emotions, character, will, and beliefs) and responsibility for our actions (which is how we live out what is in our heart).
So if you think your kids are hearing blah, blah, blah, then it is time to take stock of how you are responding to their wrong choices, to curb your reactions and start responding. I like comparing those two words – reaction and response. Reaction is instinctive knee-jerk comeback to what happens, a response though is a carefully thought out and executed reply. There will be death in a reaction; there will be life in a response. Think now about how you can respond to the things happening in your home.
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Living life with her kids in Australia!
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Live life with your Kids newsletter is about being a deliberate parent, about enjoying family life and using the opportunities that happen to teach and train your children in righteousness (right living with God). I hope that you will find regular encouragement as you live life with your kids!
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